What It's Like To Witness Birth For The First Time

After taking the Dona International Birth Doula training in February of 2018, I felt completely overwhelmed about how I would assimilate my schooling into actual work as a Doula. “How the heck do I get someone to hire ME with my complete lack of birth experience?” kept beckoning loudly in my head. Every time I thought about my passion for birth work, self-assured forward momentum was met with equal parts self-doubt and uncertainty about where to begin.

Then, one day, a lovely birth doula trainee with whom I had developed a great relationship, encouraged me to apply to the Swedish Doula Program at Swedish Medical Center. With a few cobbled together evenings of working on the application, I was able to click ‘submit’ just before the deadline.

Fast forward to joining the incredible Swedish Doula Team (which FYI is one of the most bad-a** groups of individuals I’ve ever met!) in June of 2018. Had I not joined this incredible team, I’d probably still be anxiously twiddling my thumbs as more time came between me and the possibility of actually ever having my first client. Sadly, a surprising number of Doulas go through the training and don’t end up becoming a working doula.

“So… now come the clients!” I thought excitedly.

Many cups of interview coffee, 60 questions about my approach as a Doula, and 16 “we loved meeting you but…” emails later, still… no clients. At this point, I was really starting to question whether I would ever realize a career as a Doula. Not having kids of my own and zero experience with a live birth to draw from really made me feel inadequate. I was told many times that “it’s all about the connection that the client feels to you and vice versa”, but quite honestly, I wouldn’t want an inexperienced Doula having my birth be their first experience either. 

Just as I was starting to fall into the terrible trap of self-pity and doubt, I sat down for coffee with a lovely Parisian woman who was looking for a doula for her second child’s birth. Because I had faced so much rejection up to that point, I found a feeling of freedom in just being me in each interview, knowing that I’d already had too many “no’s” to be anything other than my authentic self.

Later that week, I opened my email to find “We loved meeting you and we would love to have you be our Doula,” and I practically jumped out of my skin.

What first was pure excitement turned to apprehension as it became very real that I would soon have to actually be the Doula for someone’s childbirth. In that moment of realization, it’s easy to let the fear of not being enough creep right in. This became a brilliant opportunity to flex my mindfulness muscles to tune out my inner critic and exchange for an opportunistic view of what I had to offer.

A week later, I was officially ON CALL- the part I was most apprehensive about. The commitment is typically one month- two weeks prior to the due date to two weeks after.  Unfortunately, not even the best Doula’s crystal ball will tell you when the baby is going to arrive. You have to end every plan with “unless I’m at a birth.” No spontaneous trips out of town or staying up late binge-watching favorite shows with the possibility you’ll be called to a birth with no sleep. No venturing out of cell service or risking it at 5% phone battery. Maintaining relatively clean hygiene and never eating too much garlic should you find your client’s nose turning up when you arrive. The extra birth bag appendage wherever you go and, of course, sleeping with your phone on extra loud for middle of the night labor alerts.

Each day, I felt the buzz of anxious anticipation every time I looked at my phone, until one morning when I was at my full-time job- I got the text.

“Good morning! Making some moves here…”

A shock of adrenaline hit and my heart started to pound. I was ready to immediately jump into action, although it wasn’t until 8 hours later when I received a text saying, “I think you should come now”, and I leapt into my car and sped north. Having no idea what I would walk into, I jumped between multiple scenarios and played out the responses in my mind. The only thing that calmed my nerves was repeating to myself “they hired you for a reason.”

I walked in to find my client hunched over in her living room chair wincing during a contraction, her partner kneeling next to her. They looked at me as if I would pull something out of my Mary Poppins doula bag to serve as the perfect remedy for her discomfort.

It was only 15 minutes later with contractions 4 minutes apart that she simply couldn’t wait any longer to be taken to the hospital. My adrenaline spiked again as we raced to the emergency room. By the time I parked my own car and ran to the labor and delivery floor, they had already admitted her and a flurry of nurses hooked her up to a plethora of monitors. Things can move at lightning speed in the hospital when they need to.

Before I even had time to think of what I should do, my hands were on her lower back providing counter pressure. It felt natural and primal supporting her and her partner through each contraction. As labor intensified, her partner and I became closely attuned to each movement and sound, and used them to guide how we would shift our support. Four hours, many position changes and an epidural later, it was time to push. Things were progressing quickly, and she pushed for 15 minutes to deliver a beautiful baby girl. The feeling of seeing my first birth was euphoric. Somewhere between disbelief and complete amazement at what had just happened. I felt on top of the world. I imagine the rush I felt will be second only to the feeling of delivering my own child one day.

As I wiped tears of joy away, I witnessed the first few moments of Nora Lou nestled on her mom’s chest, for the first time outside of her womb. Dad was overjoyed at Mom’s side as he whispered his first ‘hello’ to his new baby girl.

Sacredness and bliss filled the room.

And then… Chocolate milkshake! (hint: if you’re ever having a baby, have your Doula order a milkshake so it’s delivered in the first moments with your baby. It’s a must!).

As the couple sunk into their new reality, I shifted to the periphery, stealing a few candid photos and watching mom and baby snuggle skin-to-skin. Once breastfeeding was initiated and mom, partner, and baby were all settled, it was my time to go.

Sitting in my car in the parking garage, I couldn’t think of a time I’d felt more fulfillment and pure joy; the strength of which being derived from overcoming significant anxiety, self-doubt and fear to get to that moment. Having just helped support the delivery of a child, I couldn’t think of anything more powerful or meaningful to be a part of.

It was from this moment, that I felt my journey begin.